Hello all and thank you so much for all the views. :) I write because it's my passion, but it feels so great to see my views increase and know that my writing is reaching people across the state, country...even the world!
This monologue feels even more raw than my last one. Perhaps it's because I've stopped editing myself more than I need to, when I really don't need to? Anyway, here it goes (But no stealing! I have copyright on this stuff.)
I'm finally here, moved in, settling down. Advising and registration were today and I got into some awesome classes. Auditions: choir, piano and theater, are this week. Every day has been better than the last, and yet, there is one question which lingers in intervals briefer than the smallest spaces in the Fur Elise. It is difficult to phrase it, but on my honor, for you and me and the sake of writing authentically, I will try with all of my heart to say it, and explain myself.
What do I think of you now? I thought I'd still feel myself falling, in a way, and maybe I still am. But was it a graceful descent, or more of a stumble? It's hard to tell.
"Pain demands to be felt."-Green.
You have crossed my mind pretty much every day, sometimes multiple times a day. And when I sat down and wrote "If Eyes Could Speak", I was right, and I knew I was right, no matter how much I wanted to be dead wrong. But deny my intuition? Shove it away as though it were a disgrace? I'd be backstabbing myself. And that wouldn't do anyone any good.
But it's official: you're starting to drift off the radar. You are floating in my mind like a dream I'm not sure I want to remember. Yet dreams of all kinds are inspirational, no matter how meaningless they might seem at first glance. And I am starting to accept this. But the question remains: What do I think of you now? Am I still falling? Or am I picking myself up?
I'll tell you now, so you'll stop wondering, if you're even interested. Darn, I'll tell you no matter what: I am up and feeling fine. Walking, not running, enjoying the views from the stage and not just from the audience. This is what living is supposed to feel like. This is Happiness, as my first philosophy teacher would say. I am making it in this life. You may stick around to see me, or you might drop out. Deep down, I feel it'd be nice if you'd stay. But please, bring him back. You. The real You. I haven't seen him in nearly a month and a part of me misses him. It's cheesy, cheesier than a pound of mozzarella cheese, but I am telling you the truth, and I am telling it to you because I need to, and even if you never see this, I needed to understand. And finally, I feel like I do. I have for a long time.
Like it? Feel free to leave a comment. If you have any constructive criticism, feel free to comment. I'd be more than happy to hear from my lovely viewers ;)
Other great news: It looks like I finally got a poetry reading!!! So excited!! :D The date isn't set yet, but I'm definitely starting to make preparations and figure out tentative dates, so once the date and time are set, I will post the info here. I am so grateful and look forward to the opportunity to read my poetry IN PERSON and share even more of my work (plus some more of my own story) with you. Thanks for sticking around.
<3
Courtney
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